Anxious; 1. full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune; greatly worried; solicitous

I don't like to argue. I have no idea why I always end up doing it so much. Maybe I should find a self help book on arguing. I argue about the most pointless things too. I think it's because I can't control them, and that scares me. I'm afraid, mostly, that's why I argue. Everything just seems so much bigger and scarier without William around.

The wedding is scary to me. Planning and whatnot. I feel like I'm doing it alone, because he's so far away. I feel like we're missing out on important moments, because he's not here. Or maybe it's because I'm not there. It's all so terribly romantic and...sad.

Every time I'm sad I just think of something that happened in "The Darjeeling Limited" and it makes me smile. Every time. I watched that again this afternoon. It makes me wish I was friends with Adrien Brody. Or that I had my brother around.

I may have a lead on a job working at a rehab place with the old folk. This is the kind of job I've been wanting ever since I saw my Grandma treated so poorly at a nursing home in FL. I guess since I can't be in Florida taking care of her, I'd like to take care of the grandma's and granddads of people here.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never learn spanish. I think it would be easier if I had someone to practice with. To help me with bookwork and such...

I found my wedding dress and put it on law away. It's beautiful. I don't think I really do it justice, though. It's so pretty, it should be for a princess. I'm no princess. I just hope William likes it. That's really all I care about. I just want him to think I'm pretty, and not be scared or freak out like guys at weddings in movies do.

anxious. anxious. anxious.

I wish my rabbit loved me. I love him. I sometimes tear up when I think about leaving him when I move to the DR. I love him alot. I wish he knew that.

I'm going to watch River Monsters on Animal Planet now. More later. Hopefully not so melancholy.

RENOVATE; 1. to restore to good condition; make new or as if new again; repair.

Have any of you seen the movie Into the Wild? It's a cinematic masterpiece. And right about now, it seems like a brilliant idea to leave everything behind and go tramping around the US or beyond. Just me, nature, moose(s)? and nothing else. No troubles. No worries. No paperwork! No job search.

I'm tired of being an adult. And I think I've only really officially been one for a couple months now.

I've been feeling like a very wishy-washy person lately. I've made alot of changes a little sporadically and my poor fiance's head is spinning I think. First off, I quit theatre. That was a big change. I took some time off and found my happiness once again in the Dominican Republic. I fell in love with a friend that I think I was always secretly in love with since I was 16. I got engaged to my man. I then decided to move back home and get a degree. I picked nursing because I felt that would be a big help to the Dominican people. I was watching House one night and I almost threw up because of the blood and such. Then I started thinking that maybe I was truly out of my mind to go for a nursing degree. I talked to God about it and my Grandma and I decided the only thing that I was truly certain of was my love for Guillermo Pena Perez. That being the case, I realized I can't be away from him for the next 4 years of my life. I don't want to lose him and I don't want to lose myself again. When I'm with him I am at peace. I know who I am and why I'm here and what I should do. That's so rare. I've lacked stability for the past 2 to 3 years of my life and now I've found it in this amazing person...he's just such a blessing and I thank God for bringing us together.

So...the most recent plan is as follows:
Get a job. Save money. Keep learning spanish till I'm fluent. Get a fiance visa. Fly William over. Marry him on April 3rd 2010. Move to the Dominican with him. Have a 2nd wedding. Get a job. Work while William finishes medical school. Be happy. Love each other. Start a family. Maybe eventually get a degree in something. I have no idea what. God will lead the way.

I am certain that if I go somewhere in nature that is quiet and peaceful and secluded and I stand absolutely still, I will feel God move. We see evidence of his "movement" everyday, but it's so hard to really feel it, because we are so caught up in this world. And what is this world? This isn't what's meant for us. The reason this place is so terrible is because we weren't made for this. We are supposed to hope for and remember that he promised us something better. A real life. In heaven. With him. This isn't all there is, and thank you God, for that.

I have these random streams of conciousness so I just start a new paragraph.

Fusie ( my grandma) told me I should write childrens books about my little Warner rabbit. So, hopefully I will be able to get started on that soon. Mom has agreed to draw the pictures for them. I think I should go get some childrens books and research them for a bit before I take a whack at it. Who knows? This time next year, Warner might be famous! :) I highly doubt that. But I think they will be fun to show to my kids/neices/nephews.

Hopefully I will continue writing in this and not abandoning it as I have in the past. Writing always used to make me feel better, and I can tell that it hasn't lost it's touch.

I've been thinking that I should read more books and watch less movies...but I insist that everyone that sees this go watch Blindness with Julianne Moore and The Reader with Kate Winslet.

Now I must go to bed...or to watch another movie before that...Goodnight, and stay tuned!