I can't even keep up with myself...

I'm moving. Not to the Dominican, unfortunately. I'm going to be moving to Charleston SC with my big brother. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm leaving a week from Saturday. Always a new adventure waiting for me. I need more money. I need a better job. This was...fine...for the time...but there's no way I can work there and deal with those people everyday. They are the type that make you lose hope in humanity...that constantly prove how fallen this world is. Time for a change.

I'm really hoping to get two jobs in charleston. A day job being a secretary or office clerk or working in a cute little shop on King St. or Market St. and then giving ghost tours at night. I think I would have a BLAST doing that. So...we'll see. Hopefully it will work out. I haven't been able to save any money for my official move to the Dominican, and that is SO important, I've GOT to do it. I want to have AT LEAST 10,000 when I move there. If I can find two decent jobs, I think I can do it as long as I keep my eyes on the goal and keep shopping to a minimum.

Plans changed. No Decatur wedding. We're getting married in the DR. We met with an immigration lawyer and he told us it would be pointless and a waste of time and money to apply for the fiance visa if we werent planning on living in the US. It makes sense...but my grandmother has refused to go to the wedding if its in the dominican...so that's kind of sad and hurts my feelings...but...there is nothing I can do about that. I'm 22 and I found my future husband and I'm going to do whatever I have to to be with him. Did I plan on falling in love with someone from a different country...? NO. But apparently God did. So it's supposed to be.

I read the time travelers wife and it just about killed me. Not the book to read when your in a long distance relationship. I will never read it again. I think I'm going to take the bible to work with me tomorrow and read that. That should get some interesting responses haha. But, I've been meaning to read it, and I have 8 hours of slow business during the morning shift, so why not start now?

I'm waiting for my iphone to sync so I can go to bed! I have to be up at 6. I miss my william. He's too far away. :(

I still do not fluently speak spanish. this is a problem. a big one. I have rosetta stone. but not the time.

somethings gotta give.

Lord, help me.

My Big To Do List (in no actual order)

Save 455 Dollars for fiance visa.

Open a bank account.

Get engagement ring re sized.

Finish Fiance visa paperwork.

Send off Fiance visa.

Learn Spanish!! (This one's really important.)

Save up for trip to the DR between now and April of next year.

Save money for the big move.

Plan a wedding.

Can you think of any more...?

Cuz there was never any place for someone like me to be totally happy...

I can't complain. Really, I can't.

Ash and I drove up to Charleston to see Will last week and we also went to see Jack's FREAKING Mannequin in concert. It was a totally amazing concert. He played all my favorites from his new album, he played a b-side and he played Cavanaugh Park! Back from the Something Corporate days! Oh it was AMAZING! Gosh. I mean...He stomped on his baby grand and it still sounded good! He's such an amazing artist and vocalist...it blew my mind. Wow. Pretty fantastic.
The next day Ash and I took the dogs to the beach, after getting lost a couple of times...that was kind of the theme of the trip...being lost. Even though we had 2 gps' with us...it was ridic. Anyway...the beach was overcast so we neglected the sunscreen and boy did we pay. I think my back tattoo has significantly faded now and I'm going to have to go get it touched up. Ouch. Then we had to leave Will, sad day. I really miss him. I was kinda said because I felt like we didn't spend THAT much time together, because he had school and was so worn out at the end of the day. So, driving home, we decide to watch a movie on my laptop while the battery lasts. So, I turned on The Descent. I thought it'd be a claustrophobic thriller...which it was, but then they added in vampire, cave, flesh eating people things and it got ridiculous and SCARY. So basically the rest of the ride home me and Ash are looking out into the night thinking a cave person is gonna run in front of the car or something. Ridic.
We eventually got home at like 6:30 AM and I had work at 2. Not fun. But, I have a job now. Which is super super nice. And this week I got bumped up to 40 hours a week, so needless to say, I'm pretty thrilled. My feet aren't. Standing up for 8 hours on concrete is really doing a number on me. I bought the Dr. Scholls heel inserts cuz thats where they hurt the worst, but they haven't made it magically better. A bit better. But thats all. I also bought clarks, that's what I wear every day. Any suggestions though? Maybe tennis shoes would be better...but I really hate wearing tennis shoes...not my style. I even wear converse to the gym...not real tennis shoes.
I should probably hit the hay. Ha. I have to be at work at 6:30 AM! AH! I have never had such an early work day and I'm going to be working alone for the first time too. Please everyone sleep in tomorrow and don't come into the store!

Anxious; 1. full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune; greatly worried; solicitous

I don't like to argue. I have no idea why I always end up doing it so much. Maybe I should find a self help book on arguing. I argue about the most pointless things too. I think it's because I can't control them, and that scares me. I'm afraid, mostly, that's why I argue. Everything just seems so much bigger and scarier without William around.

The wedding is scary to me. Planning and whatnot. I feel like I'm doing it alone, because he's so far away. I feel like we're missing out on important moments, because he's not here. Or maybe it's because I'm not there. It's all so terribly romantic and...sad.

Every time I'm sad I just think of something that happened in "The Darjeeling Limited" and it makes me smile. Every time. I watched that again this afternoon. It makes me wish I was friends with Adrien Brody. Or that I had my brother around.

I may have a lead on a job working at a rehab place with the old folk. This is the kind of job I've been wanting ever since I saw my Grandma treated so poorly at a nursing home in FL. I guess since I can't be in Florida taking care of her, I'd like to take care of the grandma's and granddads of people here.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never learn spanish. I think it would be easier if I had someone to practice with. To help me with bookwork and such...

I found my wedding dress and put it on law away. It's beautiful. I don't think I really do it justice, though. It's so pretty, it should be for a princess. I'm no princess. I just hope William likes it. That's really all I care about. I just want him to think I'm pretty, and not be scared or freak out like guys at weddings in movies do.

anxious. anxious. anxious.

I wish my rabbit loved me. I love him. I sometimes tear up when I think about leaving him when I move to the DR. I love him alot. I wish he knew that.

I'm going to watch River Monsters on Animal Planet now. More later. Hopefully not so melancholy.

RENOVATE; 1. to restore to good condition; make new or as if new again; repair.

Have any of you seen the movie Into the Wild? It's a cinematic masterpiece. And right about now, it seems like a brilliant idea to leave everything behind and go tramping around the US or beyond. Just me, nature, moose(s)? and nothing else. No troubles. No worries. No paperwork! No job search.

I'm tired of being an adult. And I think I've only really officially been one for a couple months now.

I've been feeling like a very wishy-washy person lately. I've made alot of changes a little sporadically and my poor fiance's head is spinning I think. First off, I quit theatre. That was a big change. I took some time off and found my happiness once again in the Dominican Republic. I fell in love with a friend that I think I was always secretly in love with since I was 16. I got engaged to my man. I then decided to move back home and get a degree. I picked nursing because I felt that would be a big help to the Dominican people. I was watching House one night and I almost threw up because of the blood and such. Then I started thinking that maybe I was truly out of my mind to go for a nursing degree. I talked to God about it and my Grandma and I decided the only thing that I was truly certain of was my love for Guillermo Pena Perez. That being the case, I realized I can't be away from him for the next 4 years of my life. I don't want to lose him and I don't want to lose myself again. When I'm with him I am at peace. I know who I am and why I'm here and what I should do. That's so rare. I've lacked stability for the past 2 to 3 years of my life and now I've found it in this amazing person...he's just such a blessing and I thank God for bringing us together.

So...the most recent plan is as follows:
Get a job. Save money. Keep learning spanish till I'm fluent. Get a fiance visa. Fly William over. Marry him on April 3rd 2010. Move to the Dominican with him. Have a 2nd wedding. Get a job. Work while William finishes medical school. Be happy. Love each other. Start a family. Maybe eventually get a degree in something. I have no idea what. God will lead the way.

I am certain that if I go somewhere in nature that is quiet and peaceful and secluded and I stand absolutely still, I will feel God move. We see evidence of his "movement" everyday, but it's so hard to really feel it, because we are so caught up in this world. And what is this world? This isn't what's meant for us. The reason this place is so terrible is because we weren't made for this. We are supposed to hope for and remember that he promised us something better. A real life. In heaven. With him. This isn't all there is, and thank you God, for that.

I have these random streams of conciousness so I just start a new paragraph.

Fusie ( my grandma) told me I should write childrens books about my little Warner rabbit. So, hopefully I will be able to get started on that soon. Mom has agreed to draw the pictures for them. I think I should go get some childrens books and research them for a bit before I take a whack at it. Who knows? This time next year, Warner might be famous! :) I highly doubt that. But I think they will be fun to show to my kids/neices/nephews.

Hopefully I will continue writing in this and not abandoning it as I have in the past. Writing always used to make me feel better, and I can tell that it hasn't lost it's touch.

I've been thinking that I should read more books and watch less movies...but I insist that everyone that sees this go watch Blindness with Julianne Moore and The Reader with Kate Winslet.

Now I must go to bed...or to watch another movie before that...Goodnight, and stay tuned!